Not For Me
by Satin Angel
Summary: Something I felt I wanted to share, not sure if it's in the right place. Apologies if not. A piece about a change of religion and wondering if my choices are connected? Your thoughts on this are appreciated.


Not For Me

I just wanted to share something that happened to me last year.  I think it offers a different type of view on Christianity.  It's about how I found Christianity was not for me, but something else was, and I was wondering if the two were connected anyway.  Apologies for anyone who feels I am dissing God, I promise I'm not and it's all explained by the end.

I was desperate.  I was Christian, and I needed help, so who did I turn to?  God.  Boy, was that a mistake.  Or was it?

I was on my knees in my bedroom, alternately crying, shouting, begging and cursing.  I was at the lowest point in my life.  I was mentally ill, my best friend had died, I felt my relationship was on the rocks and I was about to kill myself.  Before I did, though, I wanted God to have a say in what I did.  I know it sounds weird, but my head was not in a good place at that time, and nothing made sense.  Ok, I hadn't been "perfect".  Who is?  I wasn't a regular Church goer, but I worshipped in my own way.  I prayed every night, spoke to God during the day, read the Bible.  I tried my best to live my live according to Him.  I wanted not to feel alone any more, but more than anything, I wanted my best friend back.  Stupidly I tried to offer God anything I had in exchange for him. A touch, a hug, even a solemn stare from my friend.  Of course, this just wasn't possible.  So I changed my tactic.  I begged for a sign.  Anything to let me know I was being listened to.  Something to tell me; "It's all right.  Things will be better."  I wasn't asking for an actual voice, and to be honest if I'd got one I'd have died of fright (wouldn't we all?!?!?).  I wanted a signal.  At this point, I'd have taken the doorbell ringing, a car passing by or a bird flying across the sky to be the sign I was looking for.  But it didn't come.  I felt more alone than ever.  No words can ever come close to describing the abyss I was facing.  In fact, I'm not gonna write about that bit any more.

  So, I got up off of my knees.  I washed my face and went for a drink.  Stupidly, I tried to go to work soon after, and got sent home because I started harming myself.  I know, I probably just lost any sympathy I might have had.  All I can say in my defence is that I didn't know I was doing it.  I only did it once because the one time scared me so bad I tried so hard to stay in control.  Not because I didn't want to die, but because my family were so hurt I just couldn't bring myself to do it to them.  Me yes, them no.

  Anyway I digress.  I was sent home from work.  On my way home, it started raining hard, so I ducked into a nearby shop to get out of the wet.  The shop turned out to be a Buddhist shop, complete with prayer area and yoga classes!  So, I feigned interest as someone came over and asked me if I'd like to sit.  Hey, I didn't want to be thrown out into the rain!  The person in question was a very gentle man, perhaps in his mid-thirties.  He offered me a cup of tea and DIDN'T start to preach at me as I expected.  He was interesting and raised some good points.  I found myself getting interested in this Buddha.  I decided as the Christian "God" didn't help me, maybe Buddha would?  Then I was given a tour of the building, shown the Wheel of Life, and then a statue of Buddha.  Then, the weirdest thing happened.  As I stood under the skylight, opposite the statue, the rain stopped.  The sun came out, the clouds dissipated and I felt peaceful!  Can you imagine, the first time in so long I had peace!  My mind was clearer and calmer, and I felt like I had come home.  I wasn't pressured, nobody tried to convert me.  I was offered a different way to solve my problems, with meditation rather than medication, teachings to supplement therapy.

  And I'm happy to say, I'm (mostly) better.  It's been a while since dark thoughts have crossed my mind.  I've not tried to hurt myself.  I'm more tolerant and better to live with according to my boyfriend.  My therapist says I'm going to do fine on my own, and I've kicked the addictive medication.  I have to say, my therapist was the best person ever, understanding and sweet, and I thank her for everything.

  Now to the point of my story.  Going back to that day alone in my bedroom, thinking I was being ignored by God.  At the time, I heard silence but was it really silence?   Was I simply being lead to another path that could help to heal me?  I now believe that God, Buddha, Jehovah, Allah etc are all names for the same thing just seen from a different point of view.  Perhaps God recognised that the Christian path was not helpful to me at that time, but Buddhism would be?  Through being Buddhist I have actually helped other people spiritually in a way I couldn't as a Christian.  I feel closer to a greater power than I ever did, and I never feel alone now.  What do you think?  Is it possible all beliefs are one?  That it doesn't matter which path you choose as long as you hurt no one?  If by being silent that day God or Buddha was actually helping me then I regret the harsh words I spoke.  I offer apologies for my proclamations of disbelief and hate on that day when I mistakenly believed I was alone.

I give my unconditional love to you all, and hope you find the peace and happiness I have, whichever faith you are.

Love, 

Satin Angel.


End file.
